On call, with grilled cheese
Mark Pavilons

They walk on two legs, are often grumpy and suffer from sleep deprivation.

They appear normal on the surface and will often stoop to greet and console a child, even a strange one.

They tend to move pretty fast, so catching one depends a lot on timing. More often than not, you'll find one or more zipping around in a mini-van that shows signs of use.

In case you haven't guessed, I'm referring to wonderful and wacky parents.

I often scratch my head in disbelief that the human species has lasted this long, and continues to thrive. Given the monkey wrenches we humans throw into various cogs, it's surprising the entire planet doesn't come to a grinding halt on a weekly basis.

Parents aren't really to blame, but they do have a huge responsibility in keeping this blue-green ball rotating freely. Some of you may complain that I've unnecessarily added to your to-do lists, but hey, you can handle it!

I still consider myself a parent-in-training, even after nine years and three bundles of joy. I have created many, fond terms for my tantalizing threesome, but some I prefer to keep to myself.

From experience, I know parenting can be quite taxing. It demands skills we never thought we had; abilities that were previously dormant; and it taps into the frontal lobes like nothing else. It often calls on the use of unused muscles and results in the over-use of many facial muscles and tendons. It strengthens your vocal chords, hearing and improves your aim. It also makes you quite fast off the starting blocks.

I'm not the definitive voice of parenthood, not by a long shot. I'm but one small squeak in the thunderous cry of parents around the globe.

The whole idea of allowing anyone to have children without papers, documents or training of any kind is quite strange. I don't even know of a mail order or computer correspondence course on the subject.

We need a licence to drive a car or boat or fly a plane. Even plumbers and electricians are licenced. Our dogs require one.

But not parents.

Anyone can open up shop, so to speak, without anyone's permission. We don't register as parents, but we do fill out some forms to let the government know about the culmination of 10 months of preparation. It's likely more for Big Brother than any altruistic intention.

The hands-on training begins immediately and the learning curve never straightens. After a decade of parenthood, most adults have grown exponentially, and acquired some impressive qualifications.

And yet, nowhere in the business world, recruitment field or human resources do you find special mention of parenthood. Odd that one of the most exhausting training exercises known to man is overlooked on a person's resume.

Being on-call 24/7 displays a huge amount of "dedication."

Ready to mend booboos can be classified as almost "field-dressing skills."

Raising bicycle seats and adjusting car seats gives one "mechanical prowess."

Making grilled cheese sandwiches at a moment's notice shows you can "handle a busy food establishment."

Becoming a frugal shopper indicates "sound financial management skills."

There's also "tutor, camp leader, music teacher, movie critic, soccer player, commando, military strategist, treeclimber, conflict resolution specialist" and "sacrificial lamb."

Wow, talk about a wellrounded resume!

I think I'll go and flush out some aspects of my own resume.

We are a strange lot, we parents. Who else on the planet is willing to alter career choices, stay at home altogether, shop at thrift stores and forego being pampered, all in the name of child-rearing? Who else runs around with greasy hair, food-stained shirts and a gas tank running on empty, all because the hamster was sick or there was a last-minute birthday present to buy? Who else stays up until midnight baking cupcakes or making sandwiches for the class field trip?

And yes, I can honestly say my chicken cacciatore is quite something. I've become somewhat of a house cleaning fanatic and I'm also a pretty decent chauffeur.

I'm still working on completing my courses in Unfinished Business and Patience 101.

It takes some kids many years to realize their parents are pretty cool people who sacrificed a great deal for them.

Hopefully, if we've done our job right, that'll be quite evident.