No' sayeth the mysterious ring!
Mark Pavilons

I've joined the ranks of weirdness.

Okay, those who know me will attest that I signed up long ago, and I'm moving my way up the chain of command, to be the top dog in weirdness circles.

My latest foray into the realm of the unusual has to do with my great find, and subsequent listing on eBay. On St. Patrick's Day, I returned home with my family's dinner order from Harvey's. There, in the batch of onion rings, was the prize, the holy grail of fast food - an onion ring in the shape of a "No" symbol (the circle with the diagonal line running top left to bottom right). Strange, yes. But was it a sign from above? If you think about it, if fast food could communicate, what better symbol would send the message to leave it alone and not eat it? Perfect. A great find. I abided by the wishes of the great ring and did not devour it. Instead, I placed it safely on a paper towel and stored it in a small box.

I've examined it closely. It appears unaltered and quite natural in texture. There are no visible seams or mold impressions. I have the digital photos to show to any experts in the field. In my opinion, I believe it to be the genuine article, the real deal, the home-grown goods.

The following day, I listed my new-found symbol on eBay, hoping some wise and wealthy collector would snap it up for mucho denaro to add to his collection of unique artifacts collected from around the world. Here is my brief description: "How's this for a message from another dimension? When I picked up my dinner order at Harvey's on St. Patrick's Day (March 17), this Onion Ring, in the shape of a universal 'No' symbol, was among the batch. If that's not a warning not to eat this critter, I don't know what is. This is a keeper. Add this to your collection of weird stuff. Totally unique and unaltered. I've even kept touching it to a minimum to preserve its unique character."

Now, this treasure, from Harvey's right here in Bolton, could sit on a shelf with statues from Peru, ancient talismans from Egypt and bumper stickers from the good, old U.S. of A. Or maybe not. Heck, even if it gets a mention on Leno I'd be tickled pink.

Widely used in red and in relation to traffic signs (no uturn, etc.) the no symbol is one of the most widely recognized symbols in the world. There are even guidelines and international standards set regarding its use.

Is that why they chose this symbol to communicate? Maybe it's the beginnings of a revolt of sorts - the vegetables and deep-fried products are fighting back, using the onion ring's unique shape, to send us a message. But what is that message? Are we to show more respect for the eye-watering plant or do we turn our backs on frying with vegetable oils? Do we refrain from eating them entirely? Are they telling us that they're bad for us, and our health is deteriorating? I realize onions have many layers, but come on, this is ridiculous!

It's been said there are signs all around us, each and every day. If we pay more attention, or know where to look, we'd be surprised by the multitude of messages from the great beyond; insights from another dimension; whispers from angels sitting on our shoulders; words of wisdom from ghosts of the past.

Whether or not such important matters were relayed as part of one family's Saturday night dinner order, may be beyond our comprehension.

Admittedly, I would have preferred something a little more succinct and direct - like the 6/49 lottery numbers or perhaps an indication as to the meaning of life, the universe and all that. A likeness of a famous religious figure would have been even more poignant, not to mention it would fetch a lot more on eBay!

Did I mention I was a card-carrying odd-ball? Well, perhaps not as odd as the two dozen potential buyers who visited my listing so far, with mouths watering no doubt! Someone will put their cold, hard U.S. cash where their mouth ain't supposed to go!

This find could very well turn out to be the next role model for onion rings everywhere. "No" means no, the symbol indicates. They're not going to take it anymore.

This treasure (the starting bid is $2.99) would be the new motto for modern healthy eating, a switch to all natural foodstuffs. It may soon adorn t-shirts and be transformed into necklaces and bracelet charms, carrying with it all the weight of the yet-to-be-organized mob of near-surface terran life forms.

When you cut into an onion, the cell walls are damaged releasing a sulfur compound called propanethial-S-oxide. This is converted to sulfuric acid when it comes in contact with water which is why it stings your eyes. A selfdefence mechanism? Have they been trying to fight back since we first discovered them?

If onions, one of the lesser known veggies on the food chain, can communicate in such a fashion, what about their other more advanced brethren? Will we begin to hear from beets, cucumbers, celery and apples about their unfair treatment over the eons? Will the rhubarb begin to organize and rally the troops, leading the tomatoes, peppers and other condimentfriendly organisms?

I think we're all doomed and this is just the start!